Before I had my daughter, I was single with my husband.  There were things we did together, like go to an Indian buffet on the weekends, and there were things that we did separately.  I loved going to the theater and literary lectures by visiting authors.  I hung out with co-workers or friends after work.  I never had to ask anyone’s permission.  I just told him where I’d be.

I knew that having a child would change things.  I just couldn’t imagine how much.  

There is a saying in Russian that’s passed down to women: “You haven’t lived life until you’ve become a mother.”  It’s meant to encourage women to do their womanly duty and give birth.  I used to get upset when I heard this because, as a single person, I felt it devalued my existence, like what I was doing didn’t matter and could never live up to someone having a child.  What about all the people making contributions to the world who aren’t parents.  Aren’t they living life?

Now that I’m a mother, I understand that saying differently.  I still think women who don’t have children have lives.  I don’t believe mothers hold some secret keys to a kingdom that single women don’t.  Some mothers feel this way, but I suspect this stems from their own need to feel validated.

What I get from this quote now is that reality is presented differently when you are a mother.  Here are a few examples from my life.

1.  I have never had to do so much coordinating with someone’s schedule to exit the front door by myself.

2.  I have never had to give so much emotionally to another person.  The little things that seem inconsequential, mere communicating at times, add up, and at the end of the day, I’m plum tired.

3.  I haven’t had a full night of uninterrupted sleep since my daughter was born almost three years ago.

4.  The only time I’m relaxed is when my daughter is asleep and I’m in the next room.

5.  The job never ends.  When I had a hard day or week as a single person I could come home and put my feet up.  Now, my job doesn’t end until my daughter is asleep.  (Technically, there is still work to do in terms of housework, but I won’t go there.)  Weekends, holidays, the middle of the night… yep, you’re still on parenting duty.

6.  There is no pay.  At the end of a work week at my other job, I could get a massage or buy a nice outfit.  Not so here, which is why I’m wearing the same clothing since I left my other job.

So reality presents itself differently for me now.  Sometimes I fantasize about my freedom before I had my daughter.  Odd thing is that before I had a child, I fantasized about what it would be like to have a child.  So the grass is always greener on the other side and there is no perfect life.  The only road is the one we have.