I’ve been in a funk, and I don’t want to get out of it.

I’ve felt this weight on my chest, and today it feels like it’s on my face. To be fair, it’s been an appendage for most of my life. I felt it acutely when I was a teenager. It almost killed me. Now, at 49, it’s mellower, but still makes its presence known.

I’ve tried to fight it. Extroverted America tells me I shouldn’t feel this way, that I should always be upbeat, happy, in a “higher vibration.” And boy, did I fight it. I whipped myself to get rid of it, and all it did was whip around toward me again.

What causes it? I believe partly it’s me and partly, my environment. It’s not hip to blame your environment. We’re living in an environment where it’s all about you. You are the master of your fate. Your environment is a reflection of you. Wow. I must be really messed up then.

I’ve been listening a lot recently to Matias de Stefano. His words resonate with me, especially when he’s says that in the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. Have you seen the blip of Earth, the “Pale Blue Dot” taken by the Voyager 1 space probe? All our feelings, conflicts, accomplishments, short comings, failures, relationships, even politics and historical events, tragic or inspiring as they may be, fit inside this pale blue dot. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter, and the universe doesn’t care. If a tree falls and there’s no one left to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes, but since there’s no one to hear it, it goes into the void. 

And yet it does matter, deeply, to us. Our lives are lived in this reality. Stefano doesn’t deny that what we feel isn’t real, but in the grand scheme of things, this dot is in another… dot, that understands everything, and is as it is.

I participated in seminars that taught to “change your vibration.” Maybe there is some truth to this. The problem is that I feel like the heroine of Inside Out. Managing your feelings becomes exhausting and in the end, you aren’t left with any avenue except embracing what you’re trying to suppress.

So, today, I embrace the sadness. All of it. I just let it be with me without fighting it. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but neither are a lot of things. I don’t like the way I feel. It’s not a choice I would have made. (If I did make this choice, note to self: what were you thinking?) I don’t like doing what I have to do sometimes. It’s not always pleasant. Neither is trekking through mud, but it makes the journey more memorable.

The funniest thing is that there are miracles around me every day. It’s like the universe makes its presence known, This week, a scrap of something tore off (honestly, I don’t know where it came from) and it was in the image of a bird, a goose maybe, with a long neck, a defined head and body. That is downright weird. Then, there were birds crossing the road this week while I was driving, in other areas almost hitting my windshield. WTF, I told them. A bird flew into my windshield last December while I was driving and killed itself. I made a U-turn, took it home, and on my next trip to a city that wasn’t covered with snow, buried it.

I realize as I’m sorting out these feelings that I’m feeling sad because of the war in Ukraine. I didn’t have these strong feelings about other wars. Maybe it’s because I was born in that land. I often feel the spirit of my ancestors, and it comes in waves. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all in my head, whether I’m making this up to form some drama in my mind, but then it feels so real and then, like a bird, it flies away, like none of it even matters, and I feel lighter, once it passed.

Going deeper, my sadness stems from my family, or lack thereof, and my environment. So much to be desired, and yet feeling feckless. 

I feel better now, having released this energy. It’s a beautiful day outside and I want to make the most of it. This sadness, this sadness that will come around again, I will make the most of it.