I recently completed a car trip across the US and back.  I drove from western Washington to Philadelphia to see my grandmother, who wasn’t doing well health-wise.  My trip turned into a period of goodbyes.  It was about saying goodbye to my grandmother, who passed away five days after I returned home.  It was about saying goodbye to my aunt, whose interaction brought home to me all the harmful subtleties of our relationship, and our family dynamics, throughout my life that I simply ignored, but couldn’t any longer.  I said goodbye to my friend David, whom I’ve known since 2009, for similar reasons.  

During this trip, I said goodbye to my mother and the relationship I wish I had with her. That relationship will never happen.  We had an argument that laid on the table everything she thought about me.  It came from her heart, and it wasn’t pretty.  The end result is I will not allow myself to expect something from her which she is clearly incapable of providing.  My grandmother told me a long time ago that my mother couldn’t provide what I wanted.  She told me that once, on the phone, when I was a teenager, crying for what turned out to be a weekly occurrence, and it stuck with me.  I now realize that expecting more puts her in a torturous situation, and so I say goodbye and with maturity, mourn that loss.

It was about saying goodbye to my job, which I held the past four seasons.  I got a new boss, who I was skeptical about, and she proved my worst assumptions.  She hired someone else without even interviewing me for the position in which I performed outstandingly.  I had to say goodbye to my former boss, who was silent when I reached out to him, for reasons I don’t know.  “That’s harsh,” said one mentor.  “They didn’t appreciate the amount of work you put in,” said another mentor.  It gave me comfort to feel understood.

For the last several years, I’ve been going back and forth between saying goodbye to my husband.  Somehow divorce for both of us is more painful than sticking it out, so we continue.  Recently, by which I mean the last week, there have been some more positives, and I’m willing to give it another chance.

I said goodbye to my puppy, who at 5 months now has the face of a mature dog.  I look at his face and try to imagine him back when he was a puppy, but his mature face stares back at me.

I am confronted with eventually saying goodbye to my daughter’s childhood.  She turned 9 in August, and I realize that with each passing day, she is closer to 18 years and adulthood than she is to her birth.  I want to hold her and keep her to myself longer, and she still loves me and wants to be with me, but I am also noticing what would be called teenage behavior, and I wonder what our adult relationship will look like.  As an extension of our relationship, I’ve been asking her if I could squeeze her children as tight as I squeeze her, if I can hold their toes the way I hold hers, if I can brush their hair the way I brush hers.  She tells me yes on all of them, and it brings me comfort.

I have to say goodbye to my youth.  Similar to looking at my dog and imagining a puppy, I supplanted someone else staring in the mirror back at me, denying what was in front of me.  Now, I can’t hold back the dam of time.  I am getting older and I have to acknowledge the disappointment I feel that my life didn’t work out in the way I had hoped.  I have to say goodbye to the things I didn’t accomplish, and look forward to the things I can.  Strangely enough, I am also grateful that some of the things I wanted didn’t come to fruition, because it gave me more time to care for and love the one person I care more about than any person in this world- my daughter.  The joyous energy, the almost tangible mound of love I feel in my chest when I look at her, I wouldn’t be able to experience as often if I worked full time.

As I say goodbye to the things that don’t fit me anymore- my family, my friend, the relationship I have had with my husband, I say hello to what’s new- spending time with my dog, my daughter, and possibly my husband in a new relationship.  I say hello to a new career path I will be starting soon- one of self-employment.  As I say goodbye to the old, I have to consider that the old doesn’t suit me now, and maybe never suited me.

I have to consider that saying goodbye isn’t an end, but a beginning.