I went to my friend’s home today. I met her through meetup. She lives a block and a half away and her son is 4 months older than Polina. We get along, and our children do too, for the most part. The biggest challenge right now is sharing toys, which is a work in progress.

What makes me most happy going there is when Polina is playing with other children her age. She doesn’t have any complexes in relation to other people. In contrast, I sense my own awkwardness. I remember embarrassing moments as a child where I didn’t fit in because I was different. I came from another country; spoke a different language; had a different culture; had, for most people, an unpronounceable last name (in an era where it wasn’t fashionable to be different); and, since I went to six schools in eight years, few long-term friends. I was painfully shy. I avoided others. At a time when my peers were discovering people of the opposite sex, I loathed attention, yet yearned to be liked.

I decided early on that I wanted to be proactive in making sure that my daughter has consistency and that I do my part in attending or creating environments where she can form friendships. It also doesn’t hurt that I also have a good time while my daughter socializes. Turns out, my friend and I had the same midwife and her husband and I are both Russian. We both buy organic, and when she talks about cultural issues with her Russian in-laws, I understand the context.

Today, however, marked another chapter in our friendship. I didn’t see what happened, but Polina suddenly started crying while we were talking. My friend thought her son hit her with a toy phone because he was holding it in his hand. (I wouldn’t be surprised if Polina reached for his phone. She likes what you have in your hand, and she doesn’t understand the concept of “mine,” yet.)

I held her as she wailed. She quieted down rather quickly, but as I looked at my friend’s son, he had an unapologetic look on his face. He is only 19 months, but he looked unkindly toward her. Polina, at 15 months, is shy, but also giving. She hands other children things and wonders why they don’t give them back to her. Sometimes they walk away with the things she gives them. She can be naïve in relation to other toddlers. It is painful for me to watch, but it’s a socialization process she has to go through so that she can have a better grasp of human nature and make wise choices.

In subsequent visits, I did see my friend’s child hit Polina, and this changed things for me. As Polina’s mother, I have to look out for her, but as I now realize, I didn’t in the right way. It was shocking to me that I repeated the ways of my mother, who often didn’t look out for me.

My friend would say the right things and hug her son to make him stop, but her son’s behavior didn’t change. The hitting continued until one day, Polina hit back. It was then that I realized the number of times that boy hit her and how stupid I was to think that by hugging her son my friend would change things.

What I learned in a toddler parenting class is that giving a hitting child attention is exactly what he/she wants. Not giving that child attention, and giving attention to the child that has been hurt, is the strategy the nurse recommended. However, in American culture, parents don’t like other parents giving them parenting advice (very strange, from my perspective), and it’s not my place to do so in her home. So, I didn’t come back. I found healthier avenues for Polina to develop her social skills, and she hasn’t hit anyone since.

We have this angelic picture of young children, but they can be mean. Polina has scratched my face a couple times and thought it was funny. I told her “no” and she started laughing. Thankfully, she has never done that to anyone else. (I guess the old adage that you hurt the ones you’re closest to is true here.)

I knew bullying would be an issue, but not this early! I love my daughter and want to do my best. Figuring out what to do with the bully in the sandbox, or hostile behavior in general, is my next biggest challenge.

Originally written November 25, 2013.