Of all the New Year’s Eves in my life, since I was about eight, this one was the most lackluster. I can’t believe it’s 2015 as I’m writing this. I initially started to write “December” thinking the holidays haven’t come yet. Nope, they’ve passed, like a climax that’s all of a sudden over. I feel deflated.

The night of New Year’s Eve, which is normally a day of excitement for me, I lay next to Polina as I do every night waiting for her to fall asleep. I heard some sporadic fireworks in our typically sleepy neighborhood. Waiting for Polina to fall asleep, I knew I was going to sleep myself, like someone knowing they’re going under anesthesia. The last thing I remember is the sound of a muted firework. When I woke up, it was dark and silent, and I knew New Year’s was over. My husband didn’t even wake me up.

“What did you do last night?” I asked him in the morning.

“Worked on the computer.”

“You didn’t celebrate New Year’s?”

“Just another day,” he casually responded.

Indeed, we behaved as though it was any other day.  We didn’t even wish each other “Happy New Year.” On my end, I didn’t want to jinx it. I’ve said “Happy New Year” for as long as I can remember, and what has come of it? I needed a clean slate.

Every year since I could remember I sent well wishes to my friends for good things in the New Year. I got emails and cards wishing me the same. And yet, as I look over the trajectory of my life, I got slammed. We got slammed. The optimism of the new year turned dark. Like a newborn that becomes a fussy baby, or a demanding toddler, or a rebellious teenager. Next thing you know your kid is crying on the phone about something and you think why did it have to go wrong? What happened to that peaceful newborn you held in your arms? That’s how the New Year has become for me- full of optimism (that I now see as hype) followed by disappointment (which I now see as business as usual.)

When I heard about the shootings in France, I didn’t even think about the new year. When I was a kid, it was usually conflict in the Middle East that dampened the good spirits of the new year. This time, it didn’t enter my mind. I saw it as just the world we’re living in. How jaded I’ve become.

We need a good year. It has been a while.