Well, it has been over a month since my last post, and to be truthful the last week or so I’ve been wondering how low I can go.  You know, the feeling you get when you’re already in the mud and you want to wallow in it.  I write because my insides want it, so why don’t I?  I could write reasons, but I’m afraid they’ll be excuses.  Now I realize they really are reasons.

So here are the top five reasons why I haven’t posted in almost a month.

1.  I don’t get enough sleep.  “Blah blah blah don’t we all.”  Well, I’ve been spoiled since quitting the “labor force.”  I used to blog in the evenings after Polina went to sleep around 8:30.  More recently, perhaps because of the longer days, she has been going to sleep at 10.  10!  I’ll be honest- that’s crazy for me.  I need time to unwind and by then I’m falling asleep myself.  So either I fight through the somnolence and wake up groggy and resentful the next morning or… I go to sleep.  I tried both options, most recently the latter and even IT backfired on me.  In the middle of the night, Polina’s calls for me turn to loud cries if I don’t go to her, so I go to console her and fall asleep next to her myself.  I tend to turn in my sleep, which wakes her up, so she wakes me up, so I have to console her again before trying to go back to sleep myself (which doesn’t come as easily as it used to).  Of course I need to turn again or I wake up lying uncomfortably, so Polina wakes up and on it goes.  Long story short, I’m awakened numerous times at  night, as is Polina, which makes both of us a bit short-tempered during the day.  This sleeping arrangement isn’t working for me, but we have no other option until Polina’s room is ready, and right now we’re in the sanding phase.  My husband is kind enough to supervise Polina in the morning as he gets ready for work so I can get some shut eye.  I would function a lot worse without it.
2. Polina doesn’t nap consistently at the same time.  To be honest, she was never a consistent napper, but more recently, sometimes she would barely nap.  In the winter, this meant she would go to sleep earlier.  In the summer, it often hasn’t worked that way.  Longer work hours, less time to myself.  Needless to say, it has been difficult.
3. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the crap I have to learn.  Posting something online isn’t too difficult, but fiddling with appearance or learning about seo and other stuff that would help get your blog out there is time-consuming, at least for me, because I tend to be thorough.  In the end, I realized that I write because my soul feels better after I do.  Any audience I get is more for my ego than my soul.
4. My husband is not supportive of me blogging when there is so much to do.  First, dinner has to be ready when he gets home.  I’m getting a lot better at it, but I didn’t enter this relationship knowing how to cook.  It takes time to find recipes, get ingredients (let me tell you, sometimes you just want to go to the store by yourself) and then follow directions for cooking with a toddler that also wants your attention.  My hat goes off to people that can do it consistently.  I realized that I only need to cook four meals a week and the rest of the days can be leftovers.  This week I got all my meals made.  I’m getting better at it, but sometimes it is a challenge.  Second, we have a house that has projects involving sanding, painting, cutting and moving.  I told my husband I can’t keep an eye on Polina for many of these projects, so that means we take turns working on weekends.  Blogging, for him, is not a priority.
5. Lethargy has set in.  I’ve blamed my husband and child, now let me blame myself.  The last few weeks I have been wallowing in the mud that is lethargy.  When I was younger, I could stay up till 2 am working.  I can’t do that anymore.  Bitterness sets in for a number of reasons when I think about the past, things I perceive as unfair, so I don’t want to push myself and lethargy sets in.  Eventually I reach a nadir and that propels me to get off my butt and move, like right now.  Polina is napping and instead of doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, or picking toys off the floor, I am blogging with gratitude in my heart.